• Caitlin Kennedy

Brexit Horoscopes

We look to the stars for guidance during these uncertain times. NB: Just like a normal horoscope, no useful advice will be given!

Although we generally steer clear of Politics here at The Echo, it would be amiss of us not to mention the UK’s departure from the Union, on this historic(ally awful) week. However, you feel about Brexit, most of us can agree it all feels a bit apocalyptic. Not just on the sad, lonely little island most of us hail from, but the world at large too, what with super-viruses zapping about in the air, the looming dread of dictatorial morons threatening a return to the joyous cold war period, and nature throwing an absolute hissy fit across the globe.


Sometimes it can feel as though we are helpless little leaves in a gale, being blown around with no control or ability to help ourselves or those around us, but fear not! Just as our ancestors before us sought the counsel of the gods, we have a foolproof way of knowing what the future holds for each and every one of us. We’ve consulted with the stars and so have envisioned Brexit Horoscopes to guide us through these difficult times.


Aquarius

Your passport will become more akin in colour to the water symbol that represents you. This change is caused by Neptune who is angry about a mermaid who wants to be a human. Don’t worry though, because there’s a fun lobster who will save the day.


Taurus

All the Remainer Tauruses out there will steadfast refuse to believe we have left the Union, due to being stubborn bulls. This will be fine until Mars, God of War enters your trajectory and boots you out of the little Lithuanian village you had decided to live out your delusion in.


Capricorn

Feeling like a bit of an old goat? If you’re fed up of exporting your milk and cheese without hefty tariffs, then you’ll be glad to hear that due to Mercury rising in the East, things are about to change. It’s time to keep your milk to yourself.


Virgo

Do you have a German Shepherd / French Bull-Dog? Bad luck! Looks like they’ll be deserting you quite soon. Pluto, planet(ish) of destruction has beef with Pluto the cartoon dog over copyright issues and so dogs of different nationalities will be feeling anxious to return to their country of origin to figure out their family tree.


Pisces

You need to figure out your allegiance. Which side of the divide are you? Are you an Irish fish or a British fish? Astrological influences will force you to make a decision


Scorpio

If you hear a loud crash in the night, don’t worry it’s just the universe as you know it imploding around you. To avoid feelings of existential dread, just tune in to Great British Bake Off or some weird woman whispering about cutting your fingernails for you (aka ASMR) and it’ll all be fine. You’re fine. We’re all fine. Honestly, it really is fine.


Sagittarius

Jupiter is rising in your chart, which signifies money. This suggests you’ll find greater meaning in the words of the new 50p Brexit coin,”Peace, Prosperity and Friendship with all Nations”. If the prosperity part fails, you can always melt the coin down and try and get some scrap metal money as the UK have had to do twice.


Leo

With Venus arriving in the skies above Europa, you’ll meet a mysterious European stranger and marry them within two weeks for reasons entirely unrelated to Visas.


Libra

New Trading Agreements, new you, right Libras? Change is afoot and you’ll benefit from throwing your cards up in the air and seeing where the celestial bodies cause them to land. No literally, take a pack of tarot cards and just throw them around outdoors. At least it’ll make everyone around you feel better about themselves because they haven’t yet resorted to bullshit methods of future detection.


Cancer

You’ve actually not got a lot happening this year. Sorry.


Gemini

This is a great time to be a Gemini. Normally, you drive everyone insane with your indecisiveness. But now that no one knows what’s happening and U turns are the new black, no one is noticing how god-damn useless you are. Huzzah!


Aries

Those horns are finally going to come in handy. Earth is prominent in your chart over the next few months, so get digging and start making your apocalypse bunker.


So there you have it. Through all the doom and gloom, there is a light at the end of the astrological tunnel. Or is it just a load of lighters being held up in a slowed down rendition of Billy Idol’s ‘Dancing With Myself’? Hard to say.

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