• Caitlin Kennedy

Dispatches from Corporate Britain

By Yolanda Winston

New Year, New Career? If you’re contemplating a job in the big-bad city when you finish your season, our woman on the outside says think again!

There’s an unspoken secret in the working world. In the towering glass buildings dominating the London skyline. In asbestos-encrusted roadside office blocks where spider plants sit dehydrating. In “co-working spaces” where tiny-hatted MacBook users are filled with oat milk, existential dread and app ideas (CarpentR - ‘it’s like Shazam but for wood!’). All these good people beavering away the whole day through and no one mentions that not a single member of the workforce really knows what they are doing.

Now, of course, doctors, engineers, architects, vets etc have a fairly solid grasp of their respective subjects, due to years of training, pressure not to endanger human/animal life etc etc. But even at the early stages of these professions, there’s a fair amount of bullshit in the guise of knowhow flying around. This is equal parts terrifying, as you realise everyone is internally screaming most of the time and no one is really driving the ship, and reassuring, as it’s clear that even you, permanently baffled little you can join the fun. In this article, I’m going to show you that swapping your low-key life on the slopes for the thrills of the rat-race isn’t as hard as you think.

I’m not going to tell you to get a degree because everyone’s got one now. Oh big whoop Miss M.A. in Biochemistry, haven’t you heard? People don’t like science anymore, nerd. Why learn facts when you can just make stuff up online? I’m not even going to tell you to be nice to others because if you want to ascend the slippery pole of success, you better be willing to use your teeth and nails to cling on and crush your friends. Look at our world leaders. Nice is out guys, get nasty. To win this Late-Capitalist game of making enough money to survive in this godforsaken system, you must con people into believing