The Lamest Inventions of All Time
Updated: Oct 31, 2018
By Kene Ezeji-Okoye
Your inventions are bad, and you should feel bad.
PIVIT BINDINGS The idea: “Pivit makes custom bindings for maximum flexibility, freedom of movement and style on the snowboard. Much like skateboarding. Maximum Lateral Flex. Freedom of Movement. Style.”
Lame because: We feel having unbroken ankles makes for more enjoyable riding. Their facebook page currently has a whopping 92 likes.
THE SNOWBOARD POLE The idea: “Propel yourself over a flat spot to your next run or ski lift. Control your snowboard through the lift queue and onto a lift, with both feet still bound to your snowboard!”
Lame because: Looking like a Venetian gondola driver is only cool if you are in fact a Venetian gondola driver. Actually even then it’s still kind of lame.
FATBLADES The idea: “FATblades are a new, fun and exciting way to enjoy skiing with the style and comfort of snowboard boots and bindings. The concept of FATblades was created in 2006 to alleviate a problem experienced by many skiers who have experienced discomfort in using standard ski boots.”
Lame because: Look at this smug asshole and tell us you don’t want to bash his head in with the nearest blunt object.
DUAL SNOWBOARDS The idea: “Our patented IndiviDual Snowboarding Technology is basically a snowboard cut in half. Great for beginners to learn snowboarding, for those looking new twist to snowboarding or anyone training to advance their snowboarding skills.”
Lame because: “We believe that with truly talented riders and viral grassroots efforts, Duals could become the next extreme action sport of choice and future X-games and Olympic sport.” Fuck off.
BUMZ The idea: The following three inventions never made it to production so we have no amusing quotes from their website. Presumably some jabroni looked around a ski resort and said to himself: “You know what this sport needs? More wankers in novelty equipment!”
Lame because: Graeme Park, self-styled ‘Visionary and Producer’, and designer of BUMZ snowboard pants, was looking for $6,000 to move his idea to production. He raised $75 and its safe to assume that was a pity donation from the grandmother whose basement he currently lives in.
SNOWBOARD LIGHTING SYSTEMS The idea: We have no clue.
Lame beacause: Snowboarding is a daytime activity.
LEG SAVERS The idea: Um, people get sore legs on chairlifts?
Lame because: If your legs get too sore to ‘get big air’ after riding a lift, you shouldn’t be jumping.
Also, on this patent: 43 - Nipple Clamps
24, 25, 26 - Nut Pinchers
22 - Sexy Utility Belt That Will In No Way Interfere With Your Backpack