• Sam Box

Viable Valentines

We all know that the real reason everyone comes here is to look for true love. However, I don’t hear the church bells ringing that often so clearly, not all is bon. Here are some tips on how to fall in love and live happily every after.

Firstly, better hope you are dank on the mountain. Multiple studies have shown that straight lining a couloir is the most attractive thing a potential mate can do and stomping a 720 causes a mass expulsion of very desirable pheromones. When you see people shredding in the park without a helmet, they are not just being careless fools, they are actually desperate for a partner and are trying to release their sendy scent into the air.

The best tip we have for finding your soul mate is to make moves in the daylight. No matter what they say, the person you just met in the middle of the dance floor at 2am does not want to raise four children and two cats with you. To get a genuine reciprocation of devotion from another human, your best bet is to converse with them in the day. We don’t mean après, we mean before beverages have been consumed as this is the best time to meet a potential spouse and find out what kind of shared mortgage they would be happy with.

Another pro tip is to up your cooking game. You are hardly going to be desirable if you are cooking pasta six times a week, no matter how well you can ‘salt bae’. A variety of sensual eating experiences are needed to secure a significant other for the long run. Sushi is an automatic winner - you come across cultured and the shared rolling experience can bring out that eternal desire we all hope for. Being able to slow cook a dish is also recommended as it shows you are willing to be patient in the name of tenderness. The one time pasta can be advised is when you are cooking really, really long spaghetti - we have all seen Lady and the Tramp.

Getting a dog is a very wise move in finding a life long human companion. It shows that you can commit to a long term relationship and that you are financially stable enough to provide for another if necessary. The hound will also draw in potential partners of either sex for you to screen with casual dog questions that are actually thinly veiled to hide the info you are really after. Example - “Do you like my dog and are your parents likely to pay for your wedding?”.

Most of us have at least heard of Tinder, and I bet, like me, most people are also wondering why nobody displays their life insurance coverage on their profile. Personally, I find nothing more attractive than knowing if my partner were to befall a terrible fate, I wouldn’t be left out of pocket by the funeral costs. Make the most of online dating services by flaunting your assets.

If you have tried all of the above but are still not married and saving for your first-born to go to Uni, best try Gondalove. What is Gondalove, you ask? Starting this week, we are pairing up singles from Tignes and Val to go for a ski date followed by free lunch. All you have to do is spill the beans to us afterwards!


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